RIP 2007

And once more, I arrived at the end of the line. 2007 has largely been a transition for me, not really having set any resolution for the year. The year began with aftermath of perilous 2006. Not many major stuff happened...well, there's the moving of family base from Port Klang to Shah Alam. But really not much off the top of my head. Just a transitional year.

I perceived a possibility...I could almost taste it. Yeah, I've got a gut feeling...2008 might be a rosier one for me all round. Blind faith? Unwarranted enthusiasm? We'll see.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Washed up?

Sometimes when recalling past memories, we tend to wonder aloud, "whatever the hell happened to me?"

It's alarming that our past selves made us feel irrelevant. Becoming what we always feared we would become: be unable to reach the greatness, and instead buried in the ground as an after thought.

At various parts of this year, I tried to reach deep down myself...for the guy that I used to be. The aches I feel now somehow reminds me that while I may not be able to reach my original goal...I could strive to become more.

But first, I'll use the upcoming off days to put that theory to the test. Speed and force won't be the priority...I'll just need to focus on the methods, then the other factors will flow in naturally. Of course, plain laziness could be my biggest enemy yet. I'm glad that en route to this Trial, my body held up very well. I took the 'slow buildup' path here...not unlike how a woodpecker slowly chips away a tree. There is indeed progress, how microscopic it may be.

I have been regressing and falling hard in the past. I'd like to be able to move past that, and break through the twilight.

Still numb.

Subconsciously, I've been restless & losing sleep for the last couple of days. And when it hit me, I broke down. It's been three years since she was gone. And just like the day it happened, I am still numb.

----------

Once I found a place I truly treasured; the only place in this world where I feel most assured. Then, someone else was chosen to occupy it. Even so, I had hoped to perhaps stop by there once in a while...rekindling whatever little nostalgia I could from the place.

Then it was gone. All gone.

---------

Every so often, the memory of that day entered my mind. Be as it may, even if we're never together in the end, she was everything to me. The home that I always longed for.

One day, I wished to walk into such home...and be welcomed with its' embrace.

"Welcome home, dear. Welcome home."

Thoughts of Mutiny.

Long have I dwelt on this matter: why am I still here? Am I becoming complacent? Even an acquaintance asked me ages ago..."why are you not fighting for greater glories?"

As if to provide catalyst to rattle me even more - suddenly several portals opened: all of them side quests, but they're important crutches nonetheless. I am planning to undertake them all, regardless of my status in the main plot. Visions of the Kingdom came down crumbling are disturbingly clear.

And thoughts of mutiny had never been so apparent, till the day the message comes. Systematically, hopes had been dashed throughout the year...little did I know the most painful blow is yet to be delivered. I consulted the Circle and they are delighted that I finally wanted to take a stand. Before waging any wars, I best prepare my arsenal...for now it is quite lacking.

Some personal matters have kept me well within the current boundaries. Even so, at times I wished to just venture away to another land. One that is refreshingly foreign and strangely enticing. Still, I might have to carry on playing my current role for at least a couple of years more...for there is no one else to do it. That statement wasn't made out of arrogance, it was simply an unavoidable fate. The flag was entrusted to me to carry, like several times before.

Sometimes, the burden felt heavy...sometimes I looked forward to it. I stumbled on forward, growing bitter and weary with each passing day. My rebelling heart screams out.

"One day I will challenge the Throne. And the world will be the ultimate prize."

All this, for the sake of my future...if there's one.

Leaping on wagons.

Once again, I blew it. And when that wagon came along...I just let it pass by. Without even an ounce of effort to leap on it. Then again, leaping on moving wagons are not exactly a good idea because:

A. I'm too fat to defy gravity
B. It's a dangerous stunt. Don't do this at home, my naughty hyper-active 3-year old nephew.

Well, people would find me either too serious or too lan si. Truth is, I am quite paranoid & not the type to be friendly at first sight. Around friends, I would actually goof off a lot. In fact, a colleague of mine (who is considerably older than me) has been subjected to my daily dose of age jokes.

*When colleague is taking time at the water cooler*
Izzat: Don't block progress, old man.

Colleague: I like this Sinatra song.
Izzat: Sinatra is contemporary to you, after all.

Colleague: I can't get this dvd to work.
Izzat: Maybe you can try the VHS version, grandpa.

Admittedly, those seemed cruel...but I didn't really mean that. It's all in the name of fun. He actually looks healthier than me...thanks to his gym membership, heh heh. Well, that's good to combat your osteoperosis, old man.

To illustrate my paranoid side, imagine while having lunch at mamak - a girl looking in my direction and smiled...my thoughts would be:

A. Do I remind her of her father/relatives?
B. Do I remind her of the Michelin tyre mascot? (Likely.)
C. Do I have some rice on the corner of my mouth?
D. Waitaminute, is the zipper of my pants opened?

So there you go. Never once did I think I am a cool/charming guy for a girl to take interest in me. Even if (remotely) that is the case, like most guys, I am blind to signals, hints, or anything of that nature.

Even with divine intervention, even when the chance present itself for me to change all that...I'd blew it, once more. Can't really complain too much about it, this is all pretty much self-inflicted anyway. Just getting some stuff out of my system.

Little reason.

Some people just need a little reason to wage wars.
While some rebelled for their cause, the opportunists simply seek to revel in the fire. Or worse, nurture that spark into an inferno.

While the fight or cause are indeed just, unfortunately there will be others joining in...to further their own motives. And at the slightest hint of crisis, they turned the other way. Spineless bastards who always bet on the seemingly winning team.

And in the midst of it all, I watched. In a weird mixture of wonderment, disgust and jealousy. Nevertheless, I have yet to possess the means to venture beyond the stance of a mere observer.
Far too long had I been envious of the world...of others who reigned in this world.
I realized that all I had to do is shape my own.

My own world. My blazing sword. My war.

Who are you in my world?

Turning

Tired from playing host yesterday...held an open house (sort of) for my younger siblings' friends (and few of mine - thanks for showing up, guys). Just plain tired.

- - - - - - -

The light that I crave, that I've been promised to....never came to be. It simply refuses to shine on me. As a result, I am regressing to my old self. Old '97 self. Without the angel keeping me in check this time, the only thing left is massive amounts of hate.

Welcome back, old friend. This time we will reign, unopposed.

Bits of Raya

I'm back from my Raya leave, and back into the battlefield once more. *stares at the massive pile of work*. Welcome back, my stress-filled & migraine inducing days.

Raya was...ok. Too much eating. Ballooning up like a damn Michelin Man. Lemang was phenomenal. Mmmm.

Wednesday, 17th October - My name is Izzat Hafiz, and on this day I turn 28. I celebrated by....sending my sis back to her university. No, really...I postponed my 'celebration' to the next day. Thanks for the wishes, Lady Sunshine.

Thursday - Parked my car at the Shah Alam KTM station. And I had zero idea that I have to pay for parking there. Took a while for me to stop giving the death stare to the parking ticket guy.

Hmm. Torn between KLCC & Berjaya Times Square. Wanted to buy some books...I really liked Borders in Times Square, on the other hand I haven't been to Kinokuniya in ages. So KLCC it is. The damn place was full like a Sunday *grumble*. Had a Whopper @BK in Avenue K, or whatever that place is.

Admittedly, I haven't take public transport much since I got my car in '04. So I spent the whole time being ultra-paranoid in the trains. If you saw a bespectacled grumpy fat guy in a KTM Komuter train in your area...that's probably me.

The Law of Ueki is great.

And that concludes my Raya report. See ya.

Close to Raya

- First of all, kudos to Dr. Syeikh Muzaffar, our very own Space Man.

- I buka puasa yesterday at a mamak restaurant near my office. Here's what happened:

Mamak: "...machaaa, lama tak nampak, mana pergi..."
Izzat: "Bulan puasa ni makan kat rumah la..."
Mamak: "Puasa? Puasa apa? You cina!"
Izzat: (heavy sigh, and show the mamak my I.C)
Mamak:" ....ooooo, sorry sorry. Saya tak tau you melayu la."

Yeah, nobody ever told me THAT before. No sirrreeeee, I've never been in that situation ever. Not even once. Yeah. Quite frankly, I'm tired of all that crap...and I might react inappropriately the next time someone says that.

- Hari Raya is upon us...still haven't bought my new baju raya :(
I'm always looking forward to drive around the empty town on Raya eve...it's simply fantastic (yes, still workin' on Friday).

- current song on heavy rotation: Anuar Zain - Lelaki Ini. Good song, kind of uplifting with nice strings in the background. I'll buy the album...pending post-Raya budget, of course.

Finally, Selamat Hari Raya to all. I can see it now, after Raya - whatever weight I may lose during fasting month, I'll gain back double. I can't seem to get my grubby hands off those Raya delicacies. It's a vicious cycle.

And oh, I'll be off for the whole of next week. Yay.

Punching the world in the face...

...or so I wish. Where's the face of the world anyway? Are my fists big enough? Nay, nay.

- This morning was just a reminder that some Malaysian drivers are a bunch of...*exhales, calms down* ok, to put it mildly - annoying folks. I really wanted to say something nasty here, but let's not drive my blood pressure to the roof yet...it's only Monday. Though work-wise, things went unbelievably smooth in the afternoon. You rock, Mr K. Of course, to repay his good faith I better be producin' some fine web designin'.

- Elsewhere, in another galaxy, some person seems to be all fine and dandy. Or so I thought, till today. Maybe I'm just mis-interpreting the chronicled events. Well, that wouldn't be my first time. Umm, in any case...uh, hiya. Been a long while.

- I'm gonna sound like a broken old man...but having my 3-year-old nephew assault me with his imaginary Ultraman powers every time I reached home is a novelty I could do without. Most of the time, kids don't like me (and I don't like you too, kiddos...nyah, nyah) but this guy just too much too handle. The next time you blast me with your plastic gun, I'm not gonna roll over and play dead for you anymore, little guy. So there!

- It's almost halfway thru the fasting month, and I could rant about how I hated when they play Raya songs on the freakin' first day of puasa. But I rather save my energy for that daily showdown with Power Ranger...or whatever the heck the little guy wanted to be today.

That's it for now. Be good, and maybe I will too! *smiles*

Return. Once again.

Here it comes! My less-than-stellar and totally half-hearted return to blogging after...gosh...many, many moons of being uninspired (read: plain lazy). Forgive me, dear blog, for neglecting you.

- First of all, happy belated 50th Merdeka to my dear country.

- Tonight's the final for Malaysia Cup at Shah Alam Stadium. I hope it doesn't result in bad traffic...'cause, you know, I live in Shah Alam now. I had enough share of massive jams on Merdeka Eve, when I picked up my sis from her Uni in Gombak. Took me about 2 hours plus to get there. Not a good news for my blood pressure level.

- Splurged on various stuff this month. New 19" widescreen PC monitor, new PC speakers, some DVDs (Seinfeld Season 6, among others). Now I could play my XBox 360 without needing to connect it to the TV. Of course, I'll need a VGA cable which I had already bought last month. Hooray for lesser sleeping hours!

- More 'assignments' on my to-do list. I'll need to be super motivated to complete them all. Admittedly, this has been one of my many, many weaknesses.

- Fasting month is coming, and Hari Raya would be a couple days before my birthday this year. This would be the first Raya in Shah Alam...so I hope everything goes well.

That's it for now. Thanks for stopping by.

Waiting

On Sunday, as I was starting my car...

She appeared. Holding out a card, she said something about passing it to my mum.

"Dah lama dah saya nak bagi." Kenapa tunggu lama-lama?

I was speechless the entire time she spoke. And just like that, she left. I only managed to weakly smiled in her direction. And for the rest of the day, the smile stayed on my face.

I wished I could say,

"Saya pun dah lama tunggu awak."

Disillusioned.

He marched on, blindingly, into this battlefield still,
A weakened soldier, a vessel containing a burned-out will.
-------
Day by day, losing sight of the fight,
Constantly losing comrades, left and right.
-------
When the flag-bearer fell, dutifully the soldier takes over,
Though this is a task he cherished, hardly ever.
-------
The hands numbing, coldness creeping up his spine...
"I've always fought for many causes, save mine."
-------
"Bitterness consumes me, and I'm losing my humanity..."
"Please God...I lost many things. Don't let me lose my sanity."
-------
With every new step, his legs grew weaker,
At last, he'll face the darkness, his sweet surrender.
-------
While pondering the tempting end - his battered heart rebelled,
'No, don't go down this way. Let your fears be quelled.'

'In the scorching heat, or amidst the falling rain...
Even in your despair, let the true spirit remain.'

'Stronger. Stronger. And stronger.
Above all else, this you must remember.'
-------
The soldier struggled to his feet - weakly, he smiled;
His hand reaches out to the heavens, and for the last time...he wished.

"Yippie Kay Yay, M*********!"

Sometimes, we plan for things...and the opposite happens. That's life. Or was it fate...chance or some profound stuff said by some person I came across somewhere in some...website. Wow, too much vagueness there.

Anyway, planned to watch Transformers on Saturday. But as my buddy Bob tried to book for the show by every means possible, it was all for nothing. Phone booking? No one picked up. Website? Some 'error' occurred. Walked up to the counter? BWAHAHAHA. Malaysia might win World Cup first. In other words, when hell freezes over and a pig flied by and a flaming unicron coming out of its...well, you get the idea. Not only that, as it turns out...the cinema people even delayed the late show a bit and increased the admission price "because it is a blockbuster". Can they actually do that?

I had anticipated this mess, thus I came out with a backup plan: we'd go watch midnite show for Die Hard 4.0 instead. Brilliant! I reasoned to my buddy (and his cousin who tagged along) that people would definitely watch that movie about alien robots bickering on our planet (where's ultraman when you need him? Oh, wait..he'll be busy blasting another ugly-rubbery-scaly-monster destroying Tokyo YET AGAIN.) Nobody's gonna watch a sequel to an outdated action movie series, right? Plus, Bob & myself were fans of the series anyway, and often argued whether Die Hard 2 was actually any good.

And since this is my blog - yo, Die Hard 2 sucks, Bob. Get over it. :D

At the phone booking counter, I could see Bob looking like he's gonna explode. Full of anger. That, in itself is like a sign of the apocalypse as he's one of the coolest, calmest guys I've ever known. Totally my opposite. It turns out the cinema folks' "system is down" so they screwed up...and we were left with seats in the third row. From the front. Yes! Finally I can sample the blurry grainy detail of the film UP CLOSE. And I was soo exhausted that I predicted I would've fallen asleep the minute I sit in the cinema. Bruce Willis, you better keep me awake.

And I managed to stay awake. Was Die Hard 4.0 great? Not really, it does have some flaws...but it moves along without much dull moment. I just don't feel threatened by the main bad guy AT ALL. And this guy's gonna be playing "47" in the upcoming Hitman movie. The action & the stunts (particularly this one french guy) was good, though. I just wished I had watched it in a better environment. Bruce Willis still got it, man.

And that's all I got to say. Sleeeeepy now.

No heroes in my sky

...no heroes to get behind, no role model to look up to. No idols left to worship. All fell to their demons, or worse. Feel so numb, I'll get over it. I have to.

At first it was sad, then maddening. In the end, it was so exhausting and ultimately not worth it. The pages became darker as yesterday grew older. Sickening. So much so, perhaps that near-misfortune was a sign. The time to reminisce that had passed, though.

Always cornered, always left to my own devices. I wouldn't mind that, for this is indeed a familiar plot in my life. I looked at the empty sky, and wished to scream my lungs out.

I just walked away instead. As usual.

One Week Later in Seksyen 7

So...now it has been a week since I pindah to Shah Alam. I had to take the Shah Alam Hicom route to work, and that had done wonders to my blood pressure lately. No internet at home yet...still waiting for TM to do their part, whatever that may be. So far, not so good.

While working on Saturday, Lady Sunshine dropped in the MSN and we had a nice chat. She of course, proceeds to spoil the plot of Spiderman 3 to me. And practically commands me to smile everyday. I am smiling as I type this entry. Really. Honest to god. *grins*

Moved my remaining stuff from my rental apartment in Putra Permai(Sri Kembangan) on Sunday. On Saturday, watched Spiderman 3 (with Bob, my now ex-housemate). I think they did everything fine in this one, but I just preferred the previous movies more. This third movie felt a bit long in parts...and having too much baddies screws a bit with the pacing, I suppose. It is still an enjoyable movie, maybe I'm just watching it with a weary, jaded mind.

After that movie, we went home to play some Xbox 360 for (possibly) the last time. Wished we could play another round of C&C:Generals, alas I already took the PC away. As usual, the session was filled with my swearing, complaining about the AI & throwing the controller - while Bob kept his cool throughout. Good times.

He helped me packing & transporting my stuff to Shah Alam the next day.

Bob: Haven't seen you sweat this much since '97, haha~
Izzat: *drops box on foot*

Bob is a world-class nice guy, though his verbal jabs is venomous sometimes. That was a total lie. Though if you looked at my picture in 97 & now, you'd believe him.

After late lunch, we parted ways. Saying goodbyes were never easy for me, and we never did that day. We've been buddies for around 10 years, and housemates for about 4 years. This is a guy I would gladly take a bullet for - paintball/rubber bullets, that is.

Take good care of yourself, dude. Thanks for everything.

Countdown

It's the final countdooowwnnn....da daa da daaa or however that song goes.

Yes, it is finally here: the day of the relocation to Shah Alam. Barring anymore 'accidents' (damn you Murphy and your damned Law) I'll be moving there this weekend. After enduring the smell of paint & thinner the previous weekend - and consequently got high - I really want to get this whole matter over with.

The family 'headquarters' for the past 20-plus years had been Port Klang. Am I gonna miss it? *shrug* Maybe it'll sink in later. Then again, in the recent years I had resided in several places - Melaka, Dengkil, Sunway and currently in Sri Kembangan - so I didn't feel quite sentimental about leaving Port Klang. I had condition myself to walk away & never look back before...I'll get over it, in time. Yeah. I hope the recent 'nightmares' I had is not a sign I'd return to Port Klang, though. *shivers*

I'll be on leave from the 20th up to the 23rd. Better get myself some of them Tongkat Ali energy drinks, for I envision a long, energy-sapping days ahead...

The best laid plans...

My planned relocation to Shah Alam may be put on hold, for now (again! *grumble*). Last weekend, I was supposed to go there to clean and paint portions of the house. The whole thing was nicely planned...but suddenly Fate stepped in and kick me squarely on the mouth.

We (me, my mum & big bro) went there in the highest of spirits despite our sleep-deprived eyes. Then things got downhill from there. Murphy's law in full freaking force.

The short version: our house-to-be wasn't in the most satisfactory condition, to put it very mildly. Plus I got short circuited when I inspected the electric meter. It's damn near miraculous I am here typing this entry. Of course, right after it happened, I prayed my thanks to God...promptly followed by a nasty string of obscenities directed at the previous owner of the house. YOU TOOK OUR MONEY AND LIED TO US, YOU PIECE OF...*deep breathing* ok, enough of that. Let keep our blood pressure down, Izzat.

My family had been living in the current house in Port Klang for more than 25 years. Imagine the amount of packing that needs to be done. Sometimes, in the process of going thru my stuff...I would find some items that brings me back in time. Damn, I still have my primary school metal badge. Also found some old self-made comics(my artwork sucked so bad)...some old broken toys...some cassette tapes - yeah, yeah my car still got the cassette player - and various other items. I felt like I'm revisiting my past...sure, change is not avoidable. But did I become a better person than I was before? Yes? No? Maybe? Hmmm.

Recently, I got into the retro-gaming kick. Basically, playing old pc/video games. When I say 'old', I mean the glory days of DOS. Windows? Bah, no such thing existed then! Digger, Budokan, Lode Runner, Gunship, Wing Commander, Gods, Wolfenstein3D...etc, etc. I got into it partly because I found some old game manuals when packing stuff. Heck, last night I found the box for 'Police Quest 3' my first original PC game. I am lamenting the death of point-and-click adventure games. Or maybe I'm just not paying much attention to PC gaming these days...*smiling smugly beside XBox 360*.

Thanks to the wonder of internet, there are sources from which I can relive the joy of playing these classic games. *plays old wrestling game* Take that, Mr. House Owner! Muahahaha~! Ahhh, that feels phenomenal.

Relocating & Roadwork

So here I am, back from a two-day layoff due to nasty headaches and being broken down in general. At least, my blood pressure dipped down a bit from before, so there's a minor victory for me.

I'll be relocating to Shah Alam pretty soon, joining other family members. We used to call Port Klang home for the past...20 something years. So imagine the stuff that piled up during all those time. Damn, got overwhelmed just thinking about it. So many things to pack, so much to do at the new home...it's all tiring. Yet, there is some excitement. I have surveyed the new home, looks like a nice enough place to be.

I guess I was possessed by some kind of demon or something, 'cause yesterday was the first time I actually jog since...gosh, was it 1999? Shame. I alternated walking & jogging in a distance of 2km, and capped it off running upwards on a long flight of stairs. Then I dusted off the skipping rope, doing three sets of fifty jumps. Yes I'm insane. And yes, my leg's pretty sore today.

The people in my neighborhood were amused by the sight of a portly grumpy man, huffing and puffing along the roadside in the name of health. I saw some old folks jog and doing Tai Chi too. Damn, they'd kick my ass pretty easily. I dread the day the old auntie waves at me, attacking me with a chi blast accidentally.

Don't know if I can keep this routine up, though. I certainly felt good afterwards...but super-thirsty at the same time. It took a mountain of will not to veer off at the nearby 7-11 for a canned drink or a Cornetto. Mmm...a Cornetto Royale ain't so bad...*resolve melted away immediately*

"This is Sparta!"

Last Friday (9th March '07), I went to see 300 with my comrade, William. Last movie we watched was Three which was...sometime in 2001, I guess? Maybe the next time I drag him to the cinemas, there might be a movie called Tiga Juta or something.

Anyways, 300 was...a great cinematic feast. But not entirely without faults. Visually, the movie is simply stunning. The Spartans were appropriately king-sized in their badassness. The violence was rather excessive from the get go, by the time movie ends you'd feel neutral to it. Some cuts to the movie hurt the flow a little bit. Way too much of slow-mo shots. But overall, a movie worth the trip to the cinemas for - definitely not for the kids, though.

After that, me and Willie went to nearby mamak to lepak & catch up. The usual topics came up, but Mr.William makes it entertaining as always. I also recapped to Will the recent reunion dinner in KLCC a few weeks prior. Later went home close to 3am....and on the way, I had forgotten that I have to go out to work a few hours later - and needed to go home to Port Klang after that. As it turns out, it became a tiring weekend for me. Swell.

Wishing for proper ends.

A rational being would understand that every beginning has an end. Nothing lasts forever. Well, I guess one of my weaknesses is: I have no idea how to say 'goodbye'. A proper goodbye, without leaving behind all those poisonous elements.

When the time comes to part, I'd always...feel awkward. At the most, I'd briefly exchange last words, turned the other way and disappear. An abrupt & swift ending, every time.

-------

(From a past chapter)
Despite the shock of that moment, I shouldn't have ended that chapter on a bitter note. I wished that, even though destiny takes us on different paths...we'll be able to encounter each other again. With our chosen ones, we'd compare notes on life, love and everything in between. It wasn't to be. Feeling helpless among the crowd, I prayed silently.

(On an earlier chapter)
While the last sight of them was the true picture of long-lasting love & happiness...I still lament the fact that I didn't get to see them for the final time. To see them...and to say...I don't even know what I would actually say, in fact. Forget about words, I just wanted to glimpse upon them...just once more.

Instead, all I see are the newly erected tombs. God bless their souls.

(Then, a rather recent chapter)
Once again, a fresh grave greets my presence. However, this didn't affect me as deeply as the others - for it was a sweet release after suffering for so long. Still - as the rain finally stopped - I prayed.

(And yet another chapter, in the past year)
A 30-year old fortress crumbles before my very eyes. And the prodigious shadow that loomed over me since the very beginning, fell prey to the demons. Again. And amidst all this, I stood wearily & reluctantly. The role I had to play in this chapter, I despise it so. Then again, who else would?

-------

I realized that often times, events occur without warning...precious things whisked away from our grasp in a blink of an eye. As for me, I will have to embark on a lone journey once again in the near future. I hope when I have the opportunity to delay fate just a little, I would be able to say:

"Thank you for everything. You've been great to me this many, many years. Take good care of yourself, and maybe we'll encounter each other again...growing wiser and achieving the things we wanted in life. For now, GOODBYE."

Doing otherwise would leave an everlasting taste of regret. Maybe feeling just like that day, a couple of years back.

No, not maybe. I did. I still do.

Skill vs. Will

What a satisfying Sunday. Finally, my anticipation of Rocky Balboa has come to a head - as I managed to procure tickets for the show @KLCC(11am). Of course, I dragged my buddy, Bob with me. The first - and possibly the only one of the series - that I'm able to watch on the big screen. As a rabid fan of the series, I'm giving this movie a hearty thumbs-up...though I'm sure not everyone agrees with me. That's ok, as some may enjoyed other movies such as Ghost Rider (which I ended up disliking). Hey, if you liked it, then it's worth it.

Spent a while at Kinokuniya, the whole time I was fighting the urge to use my credit card to buy some mags & books. Ahh...the temptation...

After sampling Burger King's breakfast offerings, we head to the cinema. The cinema room was...almost empty - in fact there were less than 10 people. The rest of the crowd must've been watching Norbit or possibly Ghost Rider. Well, less people getting in the way of my enjoyment, then.

As for the movie: there were some nods to the past movies here and there. The movie began with a somber tone (after Dixon's fight clip)...and builds up slowly for the first half. It is rather sad watching Rocko revisit all the old landmarks of his past...it's like he was giving the audience a tour guide to the Rocky world. He was accompanied (rather unwillingly) by - who else - Paulie. Paulie is still Paulie - he got most of the funnier lines in the movie, though.

Some people may complain about the illogical premise of the movie...but I thought they pulled it off okay. Rocky, a man of 50-plus years of age, pitted against the current world champ (Dixon) in an exhibition bout. This bout was set after a sports channel staged a 'virtual computer fight' between Rocko and Dixon, of which the former apparently won. People were getting curious from the result - plus Dixon is not seen as a legit champ, accused of facing less-than-stellar contenders all the time.

The training montage & the fight itself were rather brief (compared with past editions) but well-done regardless. Did he won? You'll have to see it for yourself. A surprise cameo by someone, who taunted Dixon before the bell rings, adds to the spice.

All in all, I was wholly satisfied. It was a great closure to the series, I believe. I'll buy the dvd when it comes out. Or watch it again in the cinemas.

The Fuel

What drives you? (damn, sounds like a car/petrol ad). People are motivated by various things. As far back as I can recall, I had always been driven by anger & bitterness. Cornered and battered by stress every passing day, I dragged myself thru any task, with a sullen look on my face. Not exactly something positive to say here, but it's been that way 80% of the time for me.

80%?

There had been times, when other forces were my main source of motivation. Back in the day (around...'98 or so) during a sparring session, I was matched up with the toughest guy in our class (he's a nice guy outside training, though) so needless to say there was some trembling sensation on the knees of yours truly. No one wants to spar with him, so I got picked because I was the biggest(or fattest, to be precise). The guy dabbled in Muay Thai before, so he was well-conditioned.

To my horror, he warmed-up by kicking a metal post with his shin! I felt sorry for the metal post. Thus, I walked towards the gelanggang (ring), feeling like I'd been handed the death sentence.

The only thing I could do: calm myself. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply when suddenly...clear as day, I saw her face. And boy, that was my best sparring session, ever. Somehow, my mind was so alert, my footwork was faster & smoother...and my strikes are much sharper & heavier.

Did I win? Well...actually I was being so overzealous I kicked the guy in the mouth and he can't continue, so in official terms, I lost by DQ (Disqualification). Not exactly a fairy-tale finish there. And despite his busted lip, my sparring partner was cool about the whole thing...noting that I fought much better than usual. And we went on to spar a few more times after that, all ended in draws. Or maybe some DQs in between, hehe.

I guess, on that particular day, I fought with someone in mind. Someone I loved...though the end to this particular tale is told elsewhere already. But, by God...I felt so good that day.

Now, all of it...the training, even that loved one...all of them are in the past that I could no longer revisit. I miss them so. Nevertheless, I still seek a new path...with a new 'fuel' on the horizon, hopefully.

The twilight shall be broken. Not with a vengeance, but with a smile.

Malas punya update.

CNY holidays passed by, without much sparks. Except for my recent attempts for 'the road back' and the recent viewing of Ghost Rider, ain't much happening in my world.

Ghost Rider. Man, right after I walked out the cinema...I felt so...blank. Thumbs in the middle for this flick, and I'm being super-generous here. They screwed up the origin a bit, cheap CGs abound (GR himself looked alright) and the bad guys are pathetic bunch of losers who jobbed in the most unspectacular way possible. Mephisto's appearance was sparse(only appeared for 10 minutes or so), and Caretaker is a past Ghost Rider? WTF? I expected the whole tone of the movie to be darker, alas it is not so. The lovely Eva Mendes (with her too-fitting clothes) almost saved the movie. Almost.

On the movie front, I am looking forward to Rocky Balboa this week. Come hell or high water, I will see this one in the cinema.

My quest for 'The Road Back' continues. Still about a couple of weeks from my minimum target, though I managed to discover some new stuff. Gotta come up with some snazzy names for those new moves, ha ha.

There you have it, a rather lazy update. Happy Chinese New Year to you all. Dammit, didn't get any Ang Pows this year.

Ungu - Tercipta Untukku

Untuk hari yang terindah, hari ini. Walau tak tercapai, walau jauh dari pandangan...cinta tetap di raikan. Semoga terhibur, dan berbahagia bersama dengan yang tersayang.

To the once and future nemesis.

The respect is no longer there...for some time. Your company is no longer welcomed, even. Like a parasite, still bogging down on my resources. Delusions of grandeur clouds your judgment, while you succumbed to dreams. Big ones, boastfully every single time. And predictably you fell to your demons once more...and as I learned, betrayed the trust of the ones who would there for you even at your most wretched, pathetic state.

You betrayed me too. When I saved you, you were the victim...that it was a ploy against you from all humanity. Pointing your finger at the whole world but yourself. You can do no wrong. Oh no. Alas, all of that was a ruse, one I foolishly believed at the time. Being a parasite that you are, continuing to scavenge others came most naturally to you. And without fail, I led myself to belief in your lies again and again.

I have to admit, there were flashes of brilliance. Between us, you were always the better one. I was content to be shadowed...after all, my admiration and respect for you then was boundless and genuine. I was burning in your light. That light of old, which seem to forsake you now, would return once in a while...but never sustained.

Many times, there'll be people leading you to paths of salvation. Yet, you dismissed them, wanted to seek your 'greatness' with your own hands.

"I felt something hold me down, keeping me away from my deserved Destiny." Says you, most often.

And know this: when the dust clears, then you'll see how blind you were. For all this while, the thing that held you back, was your own hands.

Created for me.

Pondering on the thoughts of yesteryear...seeing her smiling face in a distant memory. Stunned in the realization that the most beautiful love was within my embrace.

So many thoughts went unspoken.
The words I can't bring myself to deliver.
To you, most of all.

My greatest wish: that she'd be there beside me always...every passing day, every step of the way convinced me that she's truly the one. For no one else.

And when time will eventually come calling...
I wanted you to know:
I was always yours. One who'd cherish you, till life's end.

IMAX, boxing & books.

Finally, I had the opportunity to sample the IMAX experience in Berjaya Times Square yesterday (1st February 2007). While the movie itself is fairly stereotypical (Open Season in this instance) the whole '3D-ness' makes it all worthwhile. No, none of that crappy, duo-toned, migraine-inducing so-called 3D glasses to be found. Such misery should only be wished upon your most hated foes.

The cinema people did hand out a pair of goggles...a neutral-colored one (thank god), huge enough to cover almost half of my face. Kind of like Rocket Man-era Elton John. On top of my existing glasses, it was an impossible task for me to scratch an itch on the bridge of my nose. 'Transformers' and 'Ghost rider' trailers were shown prior to the movie...I had zero hopes for the former, and slight interest for the latter. While the idea of Nicolas Cage being Ghost Rider is quite...strange to me, Peter Fonda as Mephisto & Sam Elliot as Caretaker just looks SO right. This movie won't likely be doing SpiderMan-level grosses, but I suspect it won't be a turkey either.

While on the topics of movies, I can't wait to see Rocky Balboa. Finally, a Rocky movie to be watched on the big screen. The teasers I saw last year gave me goosebumps, and reviews had been favorable. Between Rocky, Hajime No Ippo (boxing anime) and EA Fight Night Round 3 (XBox 360 boxing game) I become a boxing nut again after a very long period of not caring about the sport. Actually, I loved any fighting sports be it martial arts, boxing, MMA, Wrestling...you name it. My attention just shifted to one or the other over the years.

Before the movie, I stopped by Borders to peruse some potential book purchases. I ended up buying 'The Hardest Game' (a book depicting historic events in boxing), 'Essential Dr. Strange - Vol. One' and a submission wrestling/MMA book. While mentally calculating how much I had to pay for the credit card bills now, I made myself look stupid by forgetting my purchased books at the counter. Had some Italian for lunch - fettucine carbonara & patate el forno. Or whatever the heck those was, not sure I spelled those correctly. Tasted ok lah.

Head home after the movie, played some DOA4(Dead or Alive 4) in the late evening. This game turns out to be ok...it's no Tekken, but it's quite a decent fighting game. So ends my 1st February adventure.

For me to be myself.

Numbness in my hands accompany me as I woke up. Without letting panic set in, I slowly shake my arms to let the blood flow smoothly. After that tiring session yesterday, I contemplated to just continue lying in bed. After a few seconds, I squashed that thought. Agh, even tooth-brushing seemed like an olympian task in this current state.

Ever since that weird week, somehow I caught flashes of the past. My old me. The person I thought I always want to be. It'll take a long, long road to reach that level again...at least, yesterday's session, as grueling as it seems then, is nowhere near the norm in '96 & '97.

I have no foes to vanquish & no titles to contend for...I'm just giving myself a chance. Some things went out of my grasp...the painful reminder of that lingers on. On the other hand, just reminiscing about it takes me nowhere. I must do something.

I found out that when I reached the limit, and push it just slightly beyond...man, that felt good. Even if that means I would feel sore the next day. I just did what I could. Regaining whatever spirit I had left from yesteryear. To be myself.

Missing piece of puzzle? Finally.

Al mentions to me that it's possible. Small steps will be taken to achieve that goal. I can, and I will. Believe.

This morning: unconsciously, I performed the Association's Dance which I had abandoned long ago. Like a handshake from a long lost friend, I felt...at ease. I wondered why I had leave that behind in the first place. It used to be everything...the world, the Milky Way, the Tao of my life. That's where some of Life's harsher lessons & realities slapped me in the face.

Should I awake him again? Through some 'trials' it's definitely possible. Maybe not like before, though. As I gaze onto the mirror, the reflection smiles back.

"Anytime you are ready."

Remembrance.

Two years.

It has been that long since the day when the angel left this plane of existence. I had almost forgotten about it...I wondered whether that would make me a heartless sod, or maybe I had finally overcame it.

Lady sunshine whispered her words of wisdom: "...you have finally moved on."

Don't get yourself bogged down with the pain, she went on. That's right, I got used to that pain like the others that I live with for most of my life. She's right. I'll move on.

There was a time...when I'd do anything just to see the smile upon the angel's face. The smile is no longer within my sight or reach. Now, I'm just content to let her memories buried in the deepest part of my mind.

Will there be another? If fate agrees, why not. Right now, the sky is empty.