IzzMedia Launched!

Finally, it's out there. After 2 years of getting the domain and not doing anything with it, izzmedia.net is now online.

It took so long because...well, I found out that I was a hard client to please. I kept rejecting my own designs. But seeing my buddy Benjamin swiftly launch his website lights a fire under me, and I finally roll my sleeves and party like a monkey!....umm, I mean get my website done. Not much content at the moment, it's an ongoing process. I stick with my original choice for the CMS (sNews) despite toying with other CMSs like CMSMadeSimple, Wordpress, etc. So far, it's good.

I had intended IzzMedia to be my online design portfolio, but along the way I decided to include other personal contents as well. So now it's like a mish-mash of foods - imagine a plate full of sushi and donuts, sprinkled with mustard and honey on top. With coleslaw on the side. Aggh, that doesn't sound good...

What will become of Izzatics? For the time being, it'll remain alive. I might still post stuff here every now and then. But IzzMedia will be my priority site. It's been great.

Approaching...the end?

Since over a week ago, I risked my well-being to 'reset' myself. Ideally, to 1997 levels. No easy task, but doing just fine so far. Slowly and surely. The weather is surprisingly on my side, too - it only rained in the evenings, which gave me ample time early in the morning.

With this reset, I probably had to welcome back some stuff that I had left behind. My old nature, my fear, my ability...my old friend. Early next month I'll reflect to see whether I'm any closer to my goal or not.

Setting up some stuff on my domain (izzmedia) so I am currently toying with the idea of fully utilizing IzzMedia as my online presence, which in turn will have me leaving Blogger. Unlike some, I rarely experienced problems with Blogger, it's been a real blast to blog here. Or maybe I'll just turn my domain as my web/graphic design work repository, and maintaining this blog for my personal stuff still. Still deciding...most likely I'll have the answer by next week.

The end? Maybe...maybe not. We'll see.

Post-Raya Withdrawal

First entry since after Hari Raya, and that means I could eat lunch again...and consequently gained back all the weight I've lost during the fasting month. I know, I know. My willpower was next to nothing. To make things worse, I recently found a new love: Big Apple's Donuts. Mmm-mmm, so good.

Raya has been...largely uneventful. Tiring at times (since I'm the unofficial family driver) and just plain nuts. On Sunday (5th Oct) the traffic was pretty bad everywhere due to people getting back from their kampungs and back to work. My younger bro was supposed to take the express bus back to his college in Kuantan that night at 10.45pm. The bus managed to finally arrive after midnight...but then I heard a collective groan (and one guy actually yelled) when the bus is apparently broken down. Some other people had been waiting for their 8pm bus, which arrived later at around...1am. I have never seen a group of people with fiery homicidal urges in their eyes. It's a war zone out there. My bro's group eventually got a replacement bus the following day at 5.30pm...which also, you guessed it, arrived LATE. ONE FUCKING HOUR LATER.

Fuck Transnasional. I really mean it. You fuckers screwed up when other no-name bus companies still able to provide buses. One time, my mother and sis was left behind by a Transnasional express bus when they were in the toilet. So you guys pissed off when a passenger is taking their time? How is it that you could let people wait endlessly for a bus that is eventually broken...and not even making an announcement about it???!!!! SO FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! Oh, was my language too harsh for you?....boo hoo hoo, assholes deserved no respect. Get a fucking grip and improve your act, and don't ever toy with customers when things go awry!

Wow...that's too much anger in one post. I am spent now, and goddammit I gotta find the energy to continue work.

Question | Mentality

Today is one week before Hari Raya. I'm not exactly jumping for joy here, it's just another holiday to me. I don't see the big deal about it. Thanks to current business/marketing practice of 'water-everything-down' and mass media's insistence on harping about it WAYYY before the actual day - these factors helped to kill my festive mood dead. Dead like a snail ran over by the damn bulldozer.

For the past few weeks, I haven't exactly been productive. Not that there's nothing to do...just lacked the drive to do it. My workrate is like The 6 Million Dollar Man in slow motion. Sometimes it's indifference, sometimes it's pure hate. My career path was based on what I loved doing growing up, so basically what went wrong? If I am now hating doing what I loved, then what happens now? 

As a student, I was never the brightest - in fact, I am quite the slow learner. Just ask my driving instructor. Apparently I absorb and process info slower than others; but once it's in my mind, it stays there. Example: me and a friend tried to recall a song that was popular almost 20 years ago. With only a single line of the lyrics...I wracked my brain to re-construct the whole song in my mind - which I managed to do few hours later. This was 1997, where MP3s weren't abundant...plus, the song is like a one-hit wonder so locating the actual album is near impossible at the time. Yes, I got the MP3 now, and it's not all that great.  It's like trying to watch Space Cop Gavan now "...I liked to watch THIS crap? Why is that big blue dragon appearing for no reason? That's not 0.05 seconds!" 

Ok, back to 2008. What's the point of revisiting all that? I 'get' things slower and later than other people. I am the opposite of a prodigy.  Like Bizarro to Superman. 

So how to get back that 'fire'? How to recapture that spark, that energy which keeps me going and made me do things beyond my personal comfort and threshold? Some experts suggest to remember back the time when you had those feelings and revisit those 'good old days'. To be that person and absorb that moment. Kind of like method acting, but without the weight loss. 

I could picture those moments. I witnessed all the events in my past that gave me great joy, and made me feel like I could face anything and anyone in this world. I'd seen it all, but only from a distance. Somehow, I could never step back into the me of yesteryear...for we are too different now. I am just an audience to my past glory, unable to relive it.  

The truth is a little part of me knew what it takes to feel that way again. The missing piece of the puzzle that is vital to make it work. I just refuse to acknowledge it nowadays. Whichever era of my life I glimpsed upon, there's always a soul anchor - an apple of my eye. That one presence. Currently, no one is filling that role - it's an unbearable void. The void is growing into a black hole that threatens to suck me in, like a goddamn Protoss Mothership...Or whatever that Protoss superweapon is called. Sorry, Starcraft fans. 

Through it all, there is a faint glimmer of hope. I've had my back to the wall before, it's just another day in my life. I'll find whatever I'm looking for eventually.

Popsicles are for the summertime

It's almost halfway thru the fasting month, and even more time passed since my last post. True to my past promise, I hadn't watch any movie in the cinema since The Dark Knight. With crap like Zohan and Love Guru currently playing, I am in no hurry to rekindle my cinematic venture. I did, however, purchase a mother load of DVDs, mostly comedies.

And speaking of comedy, I got more albums from two more sources: Todd Barry and Mitch Hedberg. Todd Barry's Medium Energy was alright, although his delivery was extremely laid back - I actually fall asleep listening to it. Then again, it was around 2 to 3 pm, my 'sleepy and brain-dead' hours at the office. I enjoyed the album and laughed at the jokes, but not playing it as much as other albums due to my unwarranted bias against Barry's delivery style. It's just me.

Now, Mitch Hedberg. I downloaded two albums of his, Strategic Grill Locations and Mitch All Together...and I freaking loved all of the stuff. He is...unique in delivery and style, mining out laughs from places or things that is both unexpected and surreal. Sadly, he passed away in 2005 due to drug use. A loss of a great talent. One more album was released posthumously, which I am hoping to acquire sooner than later.

-------

On the personal side: currently in a state of total bore - not that there's nothing to do, just...not feeling it. I had practically wasted a precious financial opportunity recently by giving up a freelance job that had been on and off for quite some time. The blame was and is squarely mine. These days, I just don't give a damn. About anything and everything. Life, love, work...none of it seemingly matters anymore.

Some little part of me still looking for a cure to this problem. I know that I need that spark again. Desperately reaching for it, I embarked to the north - I had hoped that it'll direct me to it, but alas, the search will continue still. For better or worse, I am an instinctive man - this trait had saved me in some instance while doomed me in others. They asked, what kind of things/person you are looking for? I had no answer to that, for I have no template for my ideal person - only my gut instincts to fall back on.

They say good things come to those who wait. While part of me agrees, the other rebels against this kind of thinking. I am running out of ideas and out of time. I am hoping that I could start working towards a positive outcome. It's all in my hands now - I need to do this with my own power. If I could be bothered, that is.

Lewis and Patton

It's been quite some time since that wonderful but all-too-brief trip to Penang earlier this month...now I'm back, dear reader. But whatever good feeling I had from the trip was gone the day I resume work. Sigh. Alright, for this post, it's comedy albums galore - one greatly anticipated while the others, well I kind of taking a chance on.

Lewis Black - Anticipation (released 2008)

I am eternally grateful to my comrade, Ben E, for introducing me to this very, very angry man.

Anticipation is the follow up to Black's 2006 Grammy Award-winning album, The Carnegie Hall Performance. Compared to previous albums, the anger is seemingly toned down...and the topics are of a lighter nature. Fret not, longtime fans...just listen to his rants on the holiday seasons, and you know the guy's still on fire. There seems to be less political stuff, just sprinkles of it here and there.

Personally, I feel this album gain momentum halfway thru - once he comments on the holiday seasons. Before that was...well, it's not bad, probably just my expectations built up waiting for so long for the album. Overall, still a wonderful effort by Mr. Black.

Aside from doing standup, I also enjoyed his appearences on the Daily Show (in his 'Back in Black' segment) and also hosts the Comedy Central series, Root of All Evil - where each week, he will preside over a debate (between 2 'lawyers' played by various comedians) of which of the two topics/items that week were more evil. And speaking of the latter...

Patton Oswalt - Feelin' Kinda Patton(2004) & Werewolves and Lollipops(2007)


I first saw him in clips of the above Comedy Central series, playing a 'lawyer/counsel' arguing about the evilness of bloggers. I think the guy came across funny and cool...he also voiced the main character Remy the rat, in Pixar's Ratatouille. After all that, I took the plunge and got hold of his two comedy albums.

Personally, I prefer the 2007 album moreso than his 2004 debut album. His geekiness of all things sci-fi and comicbooks won me over. It was worth it, and I am looking forward to more of his stuff in the future.

As for me - things are in motion and some aspect of my life may never be the same. If everything works out...well, it's gonna be great. Till then, adieu.

Brief Exile.

After watching The Dark Knight, I decided to take a short break from my cinematic viewings. Been at it heavily for the past few months...it's affecting my budget too.

At work, things had been too crazy for me recently. I jokingly told a colleague I'd jump from the office veranda if the jobs keep piling up. Little did he knew, I was half-serious at the time. So before things get worse, I should take action. Asking for extra personnel to share the workload seems...I don't know how to put this...Malaysia would win World Cup first before I'd get another designer. The way things are now, the chances for it are getting slimmer each passing year.

So I decided to take a break. 1st to 4th of August...road trip to Penang with my buddy, Bob. We had been planning this for a long while...and the time is finally here. If time permitting, I'd love to stop by the Tiger Valley in Tambun, Perak - part of Sunway's Lost World of Tambun.

In the mean time, I'll be on hand to complete whatever stuff I can by Thursday. It will be a huge-ass tornado before the calm.

Dark Knight

After the long wait, it's here. I watched The Dark Knight on Saturday with my buddy Bob. As usual, after the movie he'd ask, "so how was it?" This time, I struggled to find words to describe my opinion.

I am simply overwhelmed. All expectations were exceeded. The plot, the themes, the characters...everything is right. This is no longer a mere 'comic book superhero movie' akin to Incredible Hulk & Iron Man (I loved those 2, by the way) but it has transcended the genre. It's epic in every sense of the word - more like the feeling of watching Michael Mann's Heat or Coppola's Godfather. It's THAT good.

I don't believe in perfection, for I felt there is no such thing. But this movie came quite close. Without hesitation, a highly recommended must-see movie. Three years I waited, and it was worth every second.

A trigger-happy memory

Choices. To step back or forward. To venture into the unknown or to stay put. Mee goreng or nasi lemak. Like a sprite-rendered character in a point-and-click adventure game (I'm showing my age here) we have to make a choice, lest we get stuck on the current level. In life, however mundane or trivial the things we decided on - it will impact our lives one way or another.

The 'point-and-click adventure game' aspect above refers to my fond memory of playing an old game (or 'retro' if you prefer...I hate that term) called Police Quest III: The Kindred. It was back in 1991 or 92 - my first original PC game. One particular scene haunts me to this day:

A madman was running wild...in some kind of park, I think. Armed with a knife, he terrorized members of the public and injure some of them...I stepped in, trying to calm the blood-thirsty nut down. Maybe perform a love song or two.

"Chill out, crazy dude. Put the sharp pointy thing down, and let's watch Bob the Builder together..."

"FUCK YOU, COPPER!" screamed the madman as he assaulted me, blinded by rage. Maybe he preferred Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

In that instant, inspired by the action movies I watched at the time, I whipped out my gun and SHOT THE BASTARD DEAD. And before I could dance a victory jig over my slain enemy, I was greeted by the 'bad end' scene...Jim Walls, the creator of the game (a former policeman himself) lectured me on my inability to be a proper policeman and the game ended at that point. All this because I left my goddamn baton in my locker.

So, yeah...in the end, I made a lousy choice. The choice at that moment may not be the best/right one - or not resulting in a desirable outcome. But hey, I applaud those of you who had the courage to just go ahead and try something...rather than do nothing. To be honest, I don't always possess this courage.

So to those who chose your path and fought bravely, I salute you. Even if you fell this time around...it'll work out. Somehow. I think.

Can't Smile Without You

I've been rather sick for the past couple of days, and even in my half-conscious and incoherent state I'd like to post some stuff...what follows are my thoughts on Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.

On Sunday (13th July), got together with my 'clique' members near TOA, our old stomping grounds. From there, we drove to One Utama, and catch an early 11am showtime for the aforementioned movie about that red guy with cutoff horns.

The movie was a blast. The plot is a little on the thin side...still, a fun ride. Interesting and weird characters inhabit the movie's universe - there's even a hidden market where all these creatures hang out. I found great amusement seeing two of the main characters drunkenly singing Barry Manilow's "Can't smile Without You"...surreal, funny and corny at the same time. Despite not really being human, they had a hard time dealing with relationships too, haha.

Prince Nuada - the main villain came off symphatetic at times, despite doing everything he could to end mankind. Deep down, he's just plain tired of humans fucking up the planet...he believed that his actions were justified, no matter how extreme his methods seems to be. At one point, Prince Nuada instilled doubt in Hellboy...about being the protector of these humans that didn't even liked him in the first place. In the end, the good guys saved the day and disaster is averted once more. Typical, but it works for me.

Afterwards, had lunch at Chilli's - this would be my first - and had the Oldtimer's Burger. Oh yeah, I'd definitely eat there again. Hunting for books/mags at MPH and Popular Bookstore (which have pathetic book selections) followed by caffeine consumption at Starbucks capped off a Sunday well spent.

Next on the list, the much awaited Dark Knight. Till then, adieu.

Hancock and...Carlin?

..in what way the two names above related? None, whatsoever. Just some stuff that I got into recently: watched the Will Smith movie 'Hancock' and also been downloading George Carlin's comedy albums.

First off, Hancock. In short, it's good, very good...but not quite great. In the vicinity of greatness, flirting close to it...but kind of retreated into the comfort zone. Good performances by the leads (Smith, Theron and Bateman) carried through out the movie nicely. This movie answers the question, "what if Superman was a prick?" and you get Hancock - the down and out, seemingly uncaring, perpetually trouble-making drunk 'Superhero'. Don't call him 'asshole' though, lest you enjoyed being flung into the stratosphere. Entertaining flick, but I'm looking forward more to Hellboy II and Dark Knight. Saw the latest trailer for Quantum of Solace as well...Daniel Craig's Bond = Badass.

George Carlin was one of the best standup comedians in the United States, who passed away recently (on 22nd June 2008). I heard of his name and reputation, and also that he influenced many comedians (including my favs Lewis Black & Jerry Seinfeld) but prior to his passing, I've never check out his stuff...apart from his cameo in the movie 'Dogma'. So, in the past few weeks I've gotten some of his albums (downloaded six full albums to date) and I started with his most well known track, "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television". His jokes could be a bit crass at times, and he sometimes 'test' the audience by increasing the inappropriateness of his subject matter. As he grew older, his material gets darker & bleaker...yet still highly regarded for one who stayed active for 50 years performing standup. Thanks, Mr Carlin.

Possibly watching Hellboy 2 in this weekend..maybe get together with my 'clique' too. See you soon.

Missed...by that much

I watched Get Smart last night and it was...underwhelming. It is not bad at all...just how I felt on the whole experience. The overall feeling resulted from the combo of my high expectations and dead audience members. Most of the jokes seemed to flew over people's head...I'm not undermining anybody's intelligence here, but boy oh boy were they unresponsive or what...

I always believed that comedies best enjoyed either in a big group (where everyone laughs) or just in your own privacy. Sigh. Last night was neither. Also, the antagonist is rather...lame. Not lamest(that 'honor' goes to the main baddie of Die Hard 4.0...Tim Olyphant, you suck.) but come on, Zod, you could do better than that.

I'm a Steve Carell fan...I'd watch anything with him in it (well, maybe except Evan Almighty) and he did a great job here. Everyone else is fine. Dalip Singh/Great Khali's role is bigger than I had expected. I would be more than willing to give this movie another chance...with a more receptive audience, I hope....or just wait for the dvd. Next, I'll be watching Hancock in the weekend...Hellboy 2, Wanted, Dark Knight would be on watch list for July as well. Maybe will watch Wall-E too. Agh, gonna be broke, dammit.

Low on Fuel

I've been meaning to post a proper review for The Incredible Hulk, but got side tracked by other stuff at the moment. Heck, I didn't even follow the ongoing Euro Football Tournament this year...aside from checking results online.

Before, plain laziness was the culprit for the lack of blog posts. Now I just lacked the energy...for anything and everything. I'd feel tired and go to sleep instead. The mind is willing, but the physical self just broke down. Any of my interests, be it animes, WWE, MMA, books/comics, DVDs, Xbox 360 games...none of them can keep me awake for a decent length of time. I downloaded a 'Best of' compilation of Chris Rock's stand up routine (titled 'Cheese & Crackers: The Best Bits') and while I actually enjoyed it, I still managed to feel asleep 2/3 of the way through. I loved the clips I saw (from his HBO Special Never Scared) on Youtube, so I figured I want more of his stuff.

Low on fuel...what do I need to overcome this? Tongkat Ali? Viagra? Lazarus Pit? A plain mug of hot cocoa? And perhaps one other way to revitalize myself, which I cannot disclose here, for the corniness factor would explode your brain, dear reader.

I'll be back, hopefully re-energized and with new posts to publish. Till then, auf wiedersehen, my beloved dumplings.

No Price for Awesome

*Po the Panda had beaten up the thugs in the shop*

Shop Owner: "how could we ever repay you?"
Po: "you can't put a price on awesome."

...or so it goes in the opening scene of Dreamworks' Kung Fu Panda. Po the Panda (Jack Black) dreams of fighting alongside the Furious Five, the famous warriors of the land. Po's so awesome that the enemies were blinded by his sheer...um, awesomeness.

If that sounded way too good to be true...well it is, as the Panda awakes from his pretty 2d dream into the reality of being the son & sole heir to Mr.Ping's (a duck, haha) noodle shop business. Po gaze longingly towards the Jade Temple, craves for something beyond his little world.

Meanwhile, in the Jade Temple, all is not well...as the ailing Master Oogway confers with his student/peer Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) about his visions - that the threat of Tai Lung is looming, and only the destined 'Dragon Warrior' would be able to stop him. Who will be the chosen one? Will the combined might of the Furious Five enough against Tai Lung? The fate of the land may very well rests in a certain panda's fists...hands....er, paws, or whatever you may choose to call it.

I watched this movie on Saturday 7th June, 6pm @ The Mines TGV Cinema. I have looked forward to it for some time, and also I really needed to lighten up from something that happened earlier in the day. If this movie sucked, then my weekend would've been a total wreck. Plus, a child seated behind me amused herself by frequently whacking my head with a balloon during the ads. It may not resulted in any brain damage, but it certainly didn't help to lighten the mood.

I am a fan of kung fu flicks & I'm always down for a good laugh. On both counts, Kung Fu Panda succeeded in my view. It's a highly enjoyable show (despite the balloon assault) and I heartily recommended it. The humor, the action scenes, the voice acting...there is really nothing bad I could say about any of them. The story is classic kung fu movie plot, through and through. Just sit back, and enjoy the awesomeness.

And here we...go.

04 May 2008, 8.15pm: I peered thru the blinds from my office, and I watched as my beloved country went absolutely nuts. And I can't really blame any of them. The domino effect has begun, and it'll go downhill from here on out.

Recent movie watched: Speed Racer. I loved the crazy kinetic visuals, despite having quite a formulaic storyline. Well, it's an adaptation of an old cartoon series, really what else would you expect? Still, I had a very enjoyable time watching this movie. And when Pops Racer (John Goodman) puts the ankle lock on a baddie, I completely lost it. Thumbs up.

Speed Racer suffered at the box office probably due to the fact that it opened when Iron Man was still playing in the cinemas. The latter, ended up being a great superhero movie and a huge success to boot. 'Avengers Initiative' - markout city. I didn't watch Indiana Jones 4, I wasn't really a fan of the series...but hey, that's just me. In spite of that, when the Indy soundtrack started in the trailer, I still get goosebumps.

Somebody should just halt the train that is heading down the Nostalgia Railway. It's beyond control. What's next, Beverly Hills Cop 4? Oh, wait...shit. Terminator 4? Crap, they're making that too. Hollywood, get some fresh ideas already! Maybe we'll finally get that ultimate movie team up...no, not Jet Li & Jackie Chan...not even De Niro & Pacino...nope, it's gonna be Stallone & Schwarzenegger in: Rambo vs Commando...'cause, why the fuck not?

I am looking forward to catch Dreamworks' Kung Fu Panda this weekend. Earlier in the week I bought the Bee Movie DVD (also by Dreamworks), being the Seinfeld fan that I am. I was not hugely impressed by Bee Movie, but it's still a fun watch.

For the next 2 months, I'm gonna be broke watching movies - with Hellboy 2, Get Smart, The Incredible Hulk and of course, The Dark Knight on the horizon...I just can't resist wasting my cash.

I shall return on the next post with my thoughts on Kung Fu Panda. Adieu, my gentle snowflakes.

Slowly & Surely....

The look of this blog is being....uhh....updated. Revamped. What have you. The actual change will be finished when I feel like it. Today, next month....10 years, maybe. I am not sure.

Update - 4th May '08: revamping completed...for now. Will commence posting new stuff soon.

Backed to the wall.

It's been...rather hectic lately. It's like taking a walk in the open fields, and somehow I stepped into a small puddle of quicksand. As I stand rooted to the ground, I can see several hurricanes approaching me. That's no way to live, damn it. This balancing act is taxing my energy & sanity.

This is not a good development - thus I am seeking solace from the unlikeliest of sources - Lewis Black. While the idea of listening to a fellow angry man ranting to the boiling point seems counter productive, what the heck, I think the guy's entertaining...that's all that counts. I always need a laugh or two just to keep myself sane.

My newfound appreciation of Mr. Black's material is torturing my credit limit, though. Downloaded all of his works to date. Of course, he was recommended to me by Benjamin E (what's up, buddy?), but at the time I was still into Jerry Seinfeld's & Chris Rock's standup stuff. His 'Back in Black' segment on The Daily Show is great too.

Let's take a turn into a slightly darker corner. I personally feel that the word 'betray' had been thrown around too often these days, thus losing it's serious connotation or effect. Maybe it's just me. But here's what I feel about it:

Respect is a two-way street, it's a mutual thing. I'm not gonna betray anyone just because I can do so. If someone been a prick to me, I'll lose any respect for that person and just straight up say, "Go to hell." Cross me, I'll double cross you. Hurt me, and I'll destroy you. When someone close to me had broken my trust, I will never even look at them the same way again. Especially after giving several chances and they still sing the same damn song. As a human being, I'll have to forgive them...but I'm gonna keep a case file up there in the little corner of my brain. Just for future reference.

On the other hand, I'm not asking people to bow down to me. Hell, no. I'll just go about my business and they go with their own. If the paths were to be crossed, let it be in the most civil way possible. That's not too much to ask for, hopefully.

Whew...okay, I need to get a grip now. Let's not increase the blood pressure too much, Izzat. There, it feels better now. Alright, till the next time - whenever that will be.

(Extra note: even though we never met, it's been great dealing with you all these while...good luck in your future endeavors, Suzie. God bless.)

Evening Notes 1

(written down on 12th March 2008, 6:56pm)

Right now...alone, at Kemaman Classic Kopitiam inside IOI Mall. Just another session of my recent after-work wandering routine. 'Recent' as in when the week started. This time around, I figured I might as well bring a paper & pen to write my thoughts, since the bookshop apparently closed for renovation. Accompanied by a cup of white coffee, I began in earnest...
- - - - - - -
A couple of years back, in a foreign land, I was alone too. Around mid-December 2006, I was in a McDonald's located in Asakusa, Tokyo. I was in a similarly contemplative mood, again with a cup of coffee by my side. Boy, I hope all those caffeine won't affect me later on.

There I was, a stranger in a strange land. And it's the same feeling back at home anyway, so I simply revel in it.
- - - - - - -
Back to the present: this week marks the fallout of the 2008 Elections. Some dramatic changes occurred, and people are anxiously waiting for the reforms to begin. As for me, I was looking forward to something else. A little change, something that I feel could rekindle a certain kind of spark within me. A new objective.

Alas, that wasn't to be. Denied, once more. You know, people are free to choose their path...just that I wished that their path crosses mine sometimes. It never did.

Like many times before, I become bitter. In retrospect, that is hardly the most mature thing to do. After a hellish week, in addition to a fresh betrayal...I really needed some sort of remedy. Frustration still runs wild, brother.

In life, often...hopes dashed, dreams were crushed and promises went unfulfilled. Talking is cheap. 'Looking forward to change?' I'll believe it when I see it. Don't give me empty words, never ever build my hopes.
- - - - - - -
Zero hope equals to no expectations....and therefore no risk of disappointment due to lack of expectations to meet. Stress-free. One could subscribe to this belief and feel phenomenal all the damn time.

As tempting as that seemed to be...deep down I realize it's not exactly healthy. To life one's life like that would be pathetic. Merely existing in this world, lost without any direction. I do have a vague idea of my destination, I just ran out of fuel to go on.
- - - - - - -
An obvious solution would be to move on. I am stuck in a rut now. A change of scenery would work wonders for me, I imagine.

We are what circumstances make of us. And right now, circumstances dictate that I remain on this island for the time being. With nowhere else to go, I have to find solace on this little island. To create my own nirvana amidst the chaos. I am running out of ideas on how to go about that, though.
- - - - - - -
It's almost 8pm...I finish my now-cold white coffee and will be making my way home. To possibly, another confrontation. Such is my lot.

With a little help from my friends...

Obviously, the above title is taken from a Beatles song. Kind of appropriate as I am taking this time to thank my 2 friends that hang out with me today @The Curve.

Things didn't start off quite as I planned - in the worst of timings, my voicebox just gave out. I almost decided to cancel the whole thing off...in retrospect, I'm glad I showed up after all.

I showed up at around 11.30pm with a game plan in mind: watch movie at Cineleisure + Lunch + Browsing MPH & Borders...after which would just coincide nicely with the meeting time. Turns out the movie I am looking forward to watch (Dan in Real Life) is not listed...and other selection either sucked or didn't coincide with my planned time sheet. So I ended up with A LOT of dead time on my hands. Had lunch at Vivo (a pasta/pizza joint) - reasonable price, pizza tasted....kind of watery? Maybe my tastebuds is screw up after having that fever a couple days prior.

Then, when my comrades joined in...we hang out at Starbucks for tea. Not literally, I had Mocha Latte not tea....anywayyy...three of us had a nice chat. Well, it's more like me becoming an audience to a talk show as I can barely muster words without hurting my throat.

As we move on with dinner later at Secret Recipe, the topic gravitated towards more serious stuff: career and my lack of love life (hahaha). Well, not so much on the latter though. Both of them brings up some valid points - Lady Sunshine especially drives the point home. It's kind of...it felt like being knocked out with the fist of truth. I was kind of dazed as I realized the last several years of my life had been...insignificant. I realize that all along, and I'm not even upset...but I was stunned for a good while. So much so that I comically got lost on the way home, and stumbled onto a much better route home.

You guys really gave me a lot to think about, and I appreciate that. To both of you, I wish you well in your future endeavors - while I shall look forward to board my train to Destiny.

Express Notes - CNY Edition

First of all, Gong Xi Fa Chai. The roads were nice & quiet leading to the holidays...making driving a lot less stressful for a change. Gonna miss that.

Recent movies watched: Cuci & John Rambo/Rambo 4. The former was alright, though not quite up to my (unrealistic) expectations, but good first directorial effort by Hans Isaac. Quite entertaining, and there are worse ways to spend my cash (like watching AVP:Requiem or Hitman). Looking forward for more, Mr. Isaac.

The latter...whoa. Stallone's John Rambo return to the big screen and is taking no prisoners...and I could summarize the movie with these words: 'mutilated body parts'. The baddies were built to be 1-dimensional scumbags, and when they get wasted by the good guys...they REALLY get wasted. Mindless & rather violent, but highly entertaining action flick.

How did I spend my CNY holidays?

- Thursday: went to the market & monthly shopping at Giant Shah Alam. Treated the family to yet another kopitiam-style joint for lunch. These things are everywhere now. The Mocha Latte is heavenly, oh yesss.

- On Friday, went back to the former family residence in Port Klang and got to play gardener for a day. Lots of overgrown weeds, grasses, plants...I took them all out. Mercilessly. People are inquiring to rent the house, while we really want to sell it off. Tense.

- Saturday at KLCC, got to hang out with my clique; my boys, my fellow comrades Ben and Wes. Bought some books from Kinokuniya: The Comic Toolbox, a Web Designer mag, and an Immortal Iron Fist Graphic Novel. Our talking points this time around seems to be more serious than usual...but without leaving the lighter/goofy stuff behind. I guess we're...getting older? Had a great time, but bugged by headache on the way home. Thanks to Benjamin for the Cromartie High dvd, and I wish you well in your 'war', Wesley. Keep it real, homeys.

- Sunday, feeling the ongoing wrath of the damn headache. And wishing that I had more off days to spend. Oh well...hope I could recover by tomorrow, and threw myself head first into the rat race once more.

It's 12.10am on Monday, and it's officially the end of my CNY holidays. Welcome back, my stress-filled days.

Instant/Eternity

"I wished we had never met."

A plea to escape the pain, or to deal with a loss. Oh, but unfortunately we can't alter our life events at will.

At times we see someone mourn the loss of a beloved one. At one time exhilarated, now engulfed with sadness. Alas, it's only our inclination to do so. Human nature.

Of course no one craves a tragedy. No one in their right mind would want to lose what they've got. But, like so many things in life, this is just something beyond our control. Brief or everlasting, how we spend it is what counts.

When, against our wishes, all that we treasured are taken away from us...if that's the end of it, then that's it. You've tried everything to save it. As for how to deal with it...heck, even I have to admit, I didn't always dealt with it positively. Do whatever that needs to be done, just remember: we will carry on. Our spirits may be crushed at the moment, but in due time...it will heal.

To have it for an instant, or to live an eternity without. Which road you'd rather take?

Echoes of Despair?

I heard an echo. One possibly filled with despair.

I often wish to stand outside the realm of chaos & order, destiny in my own hands. All there is in my life, as much as I could, I desire control over. If you were to say 'crows are white' then I shall paint all the crows in the world white, just for you.

Alas, my illusions of grandeur are hardly called for at this time. I shall take a moment to descend from my imaginary throne and address you directly:

"I sense unrest in your world. The empty sky seemingly darkens, while the records of ancient wisdom simply...vanishes. You, the ruler, seemingly content with sentencing yourself into self-imposed exile."

"Periodically, I often do the same. No good would come over this madness. You'd be alone with yourself while Despair would plague your mind...wracking it with hate and guilt. Hate, mostly. Despair will often seek to overthrow your senses completely...and I hope you're strong or wise enough to overcome it."

"However, if the true source of torment comes from me...If I must retreat myself away from your world, I'll gladly do so. I shall interfere with matters in your kingdom, nevermore. Command me, I'll disappear from your view. Even from your memories."

"Please forgive my sudden and presumptuous notions here today...for some reasons I could never disclose, any anguish that you face often becomes my concern. Nevertheless, if we were never to cross paths again...I would like to extend my appreciation for our friendship that had lasted as long as it did."

"I shall take my leave now. It's been a pleasure. Have a healthy and fruitful life."

With a slight bow, I take a few steps back and turn myself in the opposite direction. Leaving the echoes behind.

Deserved

I got what I deserved.

I keep telling people that I'm fine. I kept myself out of anybody's business. Solitary, for me, is a curse (albeit a self-imposed one). In my case, it's not 'sometimes'...hell, I'm not gonna crumble if that's the case.

So, it is perplexing for me when my guard is down...because people won't believe it. My 'strength in solitary' stance prove to be my undoing. When that happens, 'sometimes it ain't too bad' aren't much of a tonic...though I appreciate the gesture. It's just me...my own fault and no one else's. To put blame on anyone is...my heart would just damn me for a fool that I truly am.

I live it every single moment of my life. It is the opposite of 'sometimes'...just want to make that clear, that's all. The message was my means of reaching out...call it a 'cry for help', if you will. It is truly maddening, tiring...ultimately it's just a fruitless quest. Perhaps, I simply have to seek it elsewhere.

I saw her today...didn't expect it at all. She just turned, look the other way and walk past me. I got angry...and it's all directed to me.

Can't blame her...after all, that is all I deserved.