(written down on 12th March 2008, 6:56pm)
Right now...alone, at Kemaman Classic Kopitiam inside IOI Mall. Just another session of my recent after-work wandering routine. 'Recent' as in when the week started. This time around, I figured I might as well bring a paper & pen to write my thoughts, since the bookshop apparently closed for renovation. Accompanied by a cup of white coffee, I began in earnest...
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A couple of years back, in a foreign land, I was alone too. Around mid-December 2006, I was in a McDonald's located in Asakusa, Tokyo. I was in a similarly contemplative mood, again with a cup of coffee by my side. Boy, I hope all those caffeine won't affect me later on.
There I was, a stranger in a strange land. And it's the same feeling back at home anyway, so I simply revel in it.
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Back to the present: this week marks the fallout of the 2008 Elections. Some dramatic changes occurred, and people are anxiously waiting for the reforms to begin. As for me, I was looking forward to something else. A little change, something that I feel could rekindle a certain kind of spark within me. A new objective.
Alas, that wasn't to be. Denied, once more. You know, people are free to choose their path...just that I wished that their path crosses mine sometimes. It never did.
Like many times before, I become bitter. In retrospect, that is hardly the most mature thing to do. After a hellish week, in addition to a fresh betrayal...I really needed some sort of remedy. Frustration still runs wild, brother.
In life, often...hopes dashed, dreams were crushed and promises went unfulfilled. Talking is cheap. 'Looking forward to change?' I'll believe it when I see it. Don't give me empty words, never ever build my hopes.
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Zero hope equals to no expectations....and therefore no risk of disappointment due to lack of expectations to meet. Stress-free. One could subscribe to this belief and feel phenomenal all the damn time.
As tempting as that seemed to be...deep down I realize it's not exactly healthy. To life one's life like that would be pathetic. Merely existing in this world, lost without any direction. I do have a vague idea of my destination, I just ran out of fuel to go on.
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An obvious solution would be to move on. I am stuck in a rut now. A change of scenery would work wonders for me, I imagine.
We are what circumstances make of us. And right now, circumstances dictate that I remain on this island for the time being. With nowhere else to go, I have to find solace on this little island. To create my own nirvana amidst the chaos. I am running out of ideas on how to go about that, though.
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It's almost 8pm...I finish my now-cold white coffee and will be making my way home. To possibly, another confrontation. Such is my lot.
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2 comments:
Hi Izzat, Life is such. Sometimes it's a blast but that's rare. Most times it sucks but you should not let it get to you.
I do not know you, yet, but I sense a burden. You must be trying to balance filial responsibility that stops you from really doing what you'd like to do against your own unfulfilled wants and unmet expectations.
If my guess is right, you have to shoulder a burden that should be another person's yoke.
Take courage, dear friend, for God loves you and knows that you have personal preferences that you cannot exercise. Just take time to be still and seek Him. He'll answer your need for solace.
God bless you.
Abu
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