Today is one week before Hari Raya. I'm not exactly jumping for joy here, it's just another holiday to me. I don't see the big deal about it. Thanks to current business/marketing practice of 'water-everything-down' and mass media's insistence on harping about it WAYYY before the actual day - these factors helped to kill my festive mood dead. Dead like a snail ran over by the damn bulldozer.
For the past few weeks, I haven't exactly been productive. Not that there's nothing to do...just lacked the drive to do it. My workrate is like The 6 Million Dollar Man in slow motion. Sometimes it's indifference, sometimes it's pure hate. My career path was based on what I loved doing growing up, so basically what went wrong? If I am now hating doing what I loved, then what happens now?
As a student, I was never the brightest - in fact, I am quite the slow learner. Just ask my driving instructor. Apparently I absorb and process info slower than others; but once it's in my mind, it stays there. Example: me and a friend tried to recall a song that was popular almost 20 years ago. With only a single line of the lyrics...I wracked my brain to re-construct the whole song in my mind - which I managed to do few hours later. This was 1997, where MP3s weren't abundant...plus, the song is like a one-hit wonder so locating the actual album is near impossible at the time. Yes, I got the MP3 now, and it's not all that great. It's like trying to watch Space Cop Gavan now "...I liked to watch THIS crap? Why is that big blue dragon appearing for no reason? That's not 0.05 seconds!"
Ok, back to 2008. What's the point of revisiting all that? I 'get' things slower and later than other people. I am the opposite of a prodigy. Like Bizarro to Superman.
So how to get back that 'fire'? How to recapture that spark, that energy which keeps me going and made me do things beyond my personal comfort and threshold? Some experts suggest to remember back the time when you had those feelings and revisit those 'good old days'. To be that person and absorb that moment. Kind of like method acting, but without the weight loss.
I could picture those moments. I witnessed all the events in my past that gave me great joy, and made me feel like I could face anything and anyone in this world. I'd seen it all, but only from a distance. Somehow, I could never step back into the me of yesteryear...for we are too different now. I am just an audience to my past glory, unable to relive it.
The truth is a little part of me knew what it takes to feel that way again. The missing piece of the puzzle that is vital to make it work. I just refuse to acknowledge it nowadays. Whichever era of my life I glimpsed upon, there's always a soul anchor - an apple of my eye. That one presence. Currently, no one is filling that role - it's an unbearable void. The void is growing into a black hole that threatens to suck me in, like a goddamn Protoss Mothership...Or whatever that Protoss superweapon is called. Sorry, Starcraft fans.
Through it all, there is a faint glimmer of hope. I've had my back to the wall before, it's just another day in my life. I'll find whatever I'm looking for eventually.
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