The Fuel

What drives you? (damn, sounds like a car/petrol ad). People are motivated by various things. As far back as I can recall, I had always been driven by anger & bitterness. Cornered and battered by stress every passing day, I dragged myself thru any task, with a sullen look on my face. Not exactly something positive to say here, but it's been that way 80% of the time for me.

80%?

There had been times, when other forces were my main source of motivation. Back in the day (around...'98 or so) during a sparring session, I was matched up with the toughest guy in our class (he's a nice guy outside training, though) so needless to say there was some trembling sensation on the knees of yours truly. No one wants to spar with him, so I got picked because I was the biggest(or fattest, to be precise). The guy dabbled in Muay Thai before, so he was well-conditioned.

To my horror, he warmed-up by kicking a metal post with his shin! I felt sorry for the metal post. Thus, I walked towards the gelanggang (ring), feeling like I'd been handed the death sentence.

The only thing I could do: calm myself. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply when suddenly...clear as day, I saw her face. And boy, that was my best sparring session, ever. Somehow, my mind was so alert, my footwork was faster & smoother...and my strikes are much sharper & heavier.

Did I win? Well...actually I was being so overzealous I kicked the guy in the mouth and he can't continue, so in official terms, I lost by DQ (Disqualification). Not exactly a fairy-tale finish there. And despite his busted lip, my sparring partner was cool about the whole thing...noting that I fought much better than usual. And we went on to spar a few more times after that, all ended in draws. Or maybe some DQs in between, hehe.

I guess, on that particular day, I fought with someone in mind. Someone I loved...though the end to this particular tale is told elsewhere already. But, by God...I felt so good that day.

Now, all of it...the training, even that loved one...all of them are in the past that I could no longer revisit. I miss them so. Nevertheless, I still seek a new path...with a new 'fuel' on the horizon, hopefully.

The twilight shall be broken. Not with a vengeance, but with a smile.