RIP 2007

And once more, I arrived at the end of the line. 2007 has largely been a transition for me, not really having set any resolution for the year. The year began with aftermath of perilous 2006. Not many major stuff happened...well, there's the moving of family base from Port Klang to Shah Alam. But really not much off the top of my head. Just a transitional year.

I perceived a possibility...I could almost taste it. Yeah, I've got a gut feeling...2008 might be a rosier one for me all round. Blind faith? Unwarranted enthusiasm? We'll see.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Washed up?

Sometimes when recalling past memories, we tend to wonder aloud, "whatever the hell happened to me?"

It's alarming that our past selves made us feel irrelevant. Becoming what we always feared we would become: be unable to reach the greatness, and instead buried in the ground as an after thought.

At various parts of this year, I tried to reach deep down myself...for the guy that I used to be. The aches I feel now somehow reminds me that while I may not be able to reach my original goal...I could strive to become more.

But first, I'll use the upcoming off days to put that theory to the test. Speed and force won't be the priority...I'll just need to focus on the methods, then the other factors will flow in naturally. Of course, plain laziness could be my biggest enemy yet. I'm glad that en route to this Trial, my body held up very well. I took the 'slow buildup' path here...not unlike how a woodpecker slowly chips away a tree. There is indeed progress, how microscopic it may be.

I have been regressing and falling hard in the past. I'd like to be able to move past that, and break through the twilight.

Still numb.

Subconsciously, I've been restless & losing sleep for the last couple of days. And when it hit me, I broke down. It's been three years since she was gone. And just like the day it happened, I am still numb.

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Once I found a place I truly treasured; the only place in this world where I feel most assured. Then, someone else was chosen to occupy it. Even so, I had hoped to perhaps stop by there once in a while...rekindling whatever little nostalgia I could from the place.

Then it was gone. All gone.

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Every so often, the memory of that day entered my mind. Be as it may, even if we're never together in the end, she was everything to me. The home that I always longed for.

One day, I wished to walk into such home...and be welcomed with its' embrace.

"Welcome home, dear. Welcome home."

Thoughts of Mutiny.

Long have I dwelt on this matter: why am I still here? Am I becoming complacent? Even an acquaintance asked me ages ago..."why are you not fighting for greater glories?"

As if to provide catalyst to rattle me even more - suddenly several portals opened: all of them side quests, but they're important crutches nonetheless. I am planning to undertake them all, regardless of my status in the main plot. Visions of the Kingdom came down crumbling are disturbingly clear.

And thoughts of mutiny had never been so apparent, till the day the message comes. Systematically, hopes had been dashed throughout the year...little did I know the most painful blow is yet to be delivered. I consulted the Circle and they are delighted that I finally wanted to take a stand. Before waging any wars, I best prepare my arsenal...for now it is quite lacking.

Some personal matters have kept me well within the current boundaries. Even so, at times I wished to just venture away to another land. One that is refreshingly foreign and strangely enticing. Still, I might have to carry on playing my current role for at least a couple of years more...for there is no one else to do it. That statement wasn't made out of arrogance, it was simply an unavoidable fate. The flag was entrusted to me to carry, like several times before.

Sometimes, the burden felt heavy...sometimes I looked forward to it. I stumbled on forward, growing bitter and weary with each passing day. My rebelling heart screams out.

"One day I will challenge the Throne. And the world will be the ultimate prize."

All this, for the sake of my future...if there's one.

Leaping on wagons.

Once again, I blew it. And when that wagon came along...I just let it pass by. Without even an ounce of effort to leap on it. Then again, leaping on moving wagons are not exactly a good idea because:

A. I'm too fat to defy gravity
B. It's a dangerous stunt. Don't do this at home, my naughty hyper-active 3-year old nephew.

Well, people would find me either too serious or too lan si. Truth is, I am quite paranoid & not the type to be friendly at first sight. Around friends, I would actually goof off a lot. In fact, a colleague of mine (who is considerably older than me) has been subjected to my daily dose of age jokes.

*When colleague is taking time at the water cooler*
Izzat: Don't block progress, old man.

Colleague: I like this Sinatra song.
Izzat: Sinatra is contemporary to you, after all.

Colleague: I can't get this dvd to work.
Izzat: Maybe you can try the VHS version, grandpa.

Admittedly, those seemed cruel...but I didn't really mean that. It's all in the name of fun. He actually looks healthier than me...thanks to his gym membership, heh heh. Well, that's good to combat your osteoperosis, old man.

To illustrate my paranoid side, imagine while having lunch at mamak - a girl looking in my direction and smiled...my thoughts would be:

A. Do I remind her of her father/relatives?
B. Do I remind her of the Michelin tyre mascot? (Likely.)
C. Do I have some rice on the corner of my mouth?
D. Waitaminute, is the zipper of my pants opened?

So there you go. Never once did I think I am a cool/charming guy for a girl to take interest in me. Even if (remotely) that is the case, like most guys, I am blind to signals, hints, or anything of that nature.

Even with divine intervention, even when the chance present itself for me to change all that...I'd blew it, once more. Can't really complain too much about it, this is all pretty much self-inflicted anyway. Just getting some stuff out of my system.