Instant/Eternity

"I wished we had never met."

A plea to escape the pain, or to deal with a loss. Oh, but unfortunately we can't alter our life events at will.

At times we see someone mourn the loss of a beloved one. At one time exhilarated, now engulfed with sadness. Alas, it's only our inclination to do so. Human nature.

Of course no one craves a tragedy. No one in their right mind would want to lose what they've got. But, like so many things in life, this is just something beyond our control. Brief or everlasting, how we spend it is what counts.

When, against our wishes, all that we treasured are taken away from us...if that's the end of it, then that's it. You've tried everything to save it. As for how to deal with it...heck, even I have to admit, I didn't always dealt with it positively. Do whatever that needs to be done, just remember: we will carry on. Our spirits may be crushed at the moment, but in due time...it will heal.

To have it for an instant, or to live an eternity without. Which road you'd rather take?

Echoes of Despair?

I heard an echo. One possibly filled with despair.

I often wish to stand outside the realm of chaos & order, destiny in my own hands. All there is in my life, as much as I could, I desire control over. If you were to say 'crows are white' then I shall paint all the crows in the world white, just for you.

Alas, my illusions of grandeur are hardly called for at this time. I shall take a moment to descend from my imaginary throne and address you directly:

"I sense unrest in your world. The empty sky seemingly darkens, while the records of ancient wisdom simply...vanishes. You, the ruler, seemingly content with sentencing yourself into self-imposed exile."

"Periodically, I often do the same. No good would come over this madness. You'd be alone with yourself while Despair would plague your mind...wracking it with hate and guilt. Hate, mostly. Despair will often seek to overthrow your senses completely...and I hope you're strong or wise enough to overcome it."

"However, if the true source of torment comes from me...If I must retreat myself away from your world, I'll gladly do so. I shall interfere with matters in your kingdom, nevermore. Command me, I'll disappear from your view. Even from your memories."

"Please forgive my sudden and presumptuous notions here today...for some reasons I could never disclose, any anguish that you face often becomes my concern. Nevertheless, if we were never to cross paths again...I would like to extend my appreciation for our friendship that had lasted as long as it did."

"I shall take my leave now. It's been a pleasure. Have a healthy and fruitful life."

With a slight bow, I take a few steps back and turn myself in the opposite direction. Leaving the echoes behind.

Deserved

I got what I deserved.

I keep telling people that I'm fine. I kept myself out of anybody's business. Solitary, for me, is a curse (albeit a self-imposed one). In my case, it's not 'sometimes'...hell, I'm not gonna crumble if that's the case.

So, it is perplexing for me when my guard is down...because people won't believe it. My 'strength in solitary' stance prove to be my undoing. When that happens, 'sometimes it ain't too bad' aren't much of a tonic...though I appreciate the gesture. It's just me...my own fault and no one else's. To put blame on anyone is...my heart would just damn me for a fool that I truly am.

I live it every single moment of my life. It is the opposite of 'sometimes'...just want to make that clear, that's all. The message was my means of reaching out...call it a 'cry for help', if you will. It is truly maddening, tiring...ultimately it's just a fruitless quest. Perhaps, I simply have to seek it elsewhere.

I saw her today...didn't expect it at all. She just turned, look the other way and walk past me. I got angry...and it's all directed to me.

Can't blame her...after all, that is all I deserved.